Babies are like Jesus. Harmless on their own but their fan clubs will drive you nuts.
Mummies. Yummy mummies. The mommy club.
Anyone who has a username containing the word ‘mum’ needs a fierce slap.
Hayyyyyyy it’s me ShaylasMum81
Oh hi, it’s Mummy0115
Crazy_Mum73 in the house!!
When did women stop being people? Why is my Facebook feed that was once full of posts from intelligent, funny, witty women now, ‘Look at my new Thomas shirt’?
I don’t want to be facebook friends with your kid. If I did, I would be asking them what they thought of that shitty restaurant I tagged them at or laughing with them about the photo I posted of them. Wait, what’s that? I didn’t tag them at a restaurant or post a photo of them? Oh.
Hey baby, I don’t care that you cut a tooth. All babies cut teeth for God’s sake. I do, however, care if your mum cut a tooth. That’s impressive.
I don’t care that you wrote your name. You’ve got years of writing your name ahead of you. I’m not impressed, I’m sorry. And why? Because it is nothing new. IT’S A NORMAL FUCKING PART OF THE GENERIC LEARNING PROCESS. Write a book, then we’ll talk.
I miss my friends. I miss being able to call them. I miss not checking what time it is before I call for fear that I’ll wake the small human, or worse, wake the tired parent. I miss not being terrified that I’ll be popping by at a bad time or interrupting an important poop training session. But mostly, I miss the conversation. Adult conversation about sophisticated things… like shoes and cats and Nutella.
Go on, insert some bullshit line here like ‘My kid likes shoes and cats and Nutella’. I dare you.
Ladies, you are people. People. Why, when you have a baby do you deny yourself an identity? I get that they can be all-consuming but the fact that you gave birth and have another person around you all the time does not define you. You are an adult human in real life in the world. You made it this far and now all you can talk about is the person you made?
I made a cake last week (which took a lot more effort than being fertilised, I can assure you), but I’m not going around yabbing on about it and posting statuses on its behalf. ‘Oh look at my pretty pink frosting and my rainbow sprinkles! Aren’t I adorable?’
It is the fear of losing my identity, my personality and my brain (yes, I have heard of the term ‘baby brain’ and it terrifies me) that makes me wary of ever having children. The people who push parenthood so hard, like hardcore ‘Bible Bashers’ just don’t seem to realise it is having the reverse effect. And it’s not just Jesus and babies. Just like Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones, I might have considered giving it a try if the world didn’t revolve around it and shove it down my throat.
Please, for the love of God, tell me something, anything, that is just about you. Who are you? Where the hell have you been?