Guys, this whole KonMari thing is supposed to take SIX MONTHS. So I wanted to make sure I’d properly done everything I could and given it enough time before writing my final KonMari post – just to be sure that the results would be fair and not at all misleading. Yep, that’s it. It didn’t take this long because I was ashamed kind of forgot to blog my lack of progress.

I have been suffering living the KonMari life for, oh, four months now. I’m pretty sure that’s enough. You know that I came into this thing all skeptical but still with an open mind and secretly wanting a tidier life, and I have to say the results have been somewhat underwhelming. And I hate to say I told me so.

The process had more or less been a success and was going swimmingly until mid December. As soon as I started packing for my Christmas holiday and needed clothes for a completely different season, I realised one thing: I threw too much, you guys. I had no clothes left.

To be fair, I took on this KonMari process in a tiny apartment with no air conditioning, with two cats alternating between melting, shedding on my clothes, and walking all over me. It was hot. So hot. My apartment is a sauna, seriously. And what happens when you are faced with a mountain of clothes on your couch in the middle of a heat wave? YOU THROW EVERYTHING AWAY BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER BE COLD AGAIN, EVER.

I’m not an idiot. I kept SOME stuff. I managed to hold on to two heavy jumpers and a jacket to see me through three weeks in Japan and Italy. Herein presented the first advantage: my suitcase was light as. Sure, I stunk and looked like a hobo for my entire trip, but it also meant my husband said things like: ‘Can you take a photo of me outside this temple?’ instead of: ‘Babe, let me get a photo of us outside this temple’. Winning. Since I’d decided I barely needed any makeup, and a hairbrush was ‘too much clutter’, I guess photographic evidence of my ugly descent into hideous beast could be classed as clutter too, right?

Oh, and since I thought I’d be fine without all of my medicated skin care products, the cystic acne I’d been keeping at bay decided to flare up, making my face look like that Simpsons episode where the illegally buried garbage and dead animals kept coming up to the surface. Hawt.

POSITIVE OUTCOME: having no clothes or personal effects meant I could fit several bottles of Japanese plum wine and Italian Limoncello in my suitcase. Nom.

So there’s that. I don’t know if KonMari helped improve my life on that one or ruined the first holiday I’ve had in a year by turning me into a disgusting pizza-faced bag-lady alcoholic.

Moving on.

Now, being back from my holiday I did try to keep my house clean. Being faced with post-holiday blues and a general can’t-be-arsed mentality meant I was already severely unmotivated to keep my house tidy. Any attempts I did make to clean up were soon shattered by my ever-studying husband and his 47 dishes per day piled up in the sink, dead socks strewn for miles and constantly shedding cats chasing their own furballs around the house (they’re shorthairs for Christ’s sake, what the actual fuck?).

So in the whole ‘keeping things tidy’ area, nothing has really changed that much since day one. As predicted, I did get excited about tidying and I went full throttle for a while, but the truth lies in what’s left behind after the novelty has worn off. And here it is: I was right. I mean, I guess I changed a little in that I actually tried, but external factors outside of my control mean that I will always be somewhat messy. #itsnotmyfault

What did change?

I fold my clothes now. And when I don’t have time to fold them I hang them up and fold them later. It’s a miracle – the folding thing really works, I’ll give her that.

I no longer ‘stock up’ on items. I used to buy more than what I needed for fear of running out, but I’ve become more aware of the amount of space I have and how I want to fill it, or NOT fill it.

I’m more careful with what I buy. Besides the fact that I don’t have much money to begin with, I actually spend less on clothes and shoes and material things now. When I moved from London to Italy a few years ago I was forced to throw out half of my worldly possessions at the airport due to having no money to pay the excess baggage, and while I was sad to lose that stuff I felt an enormous sense of freedom. As a result I barely bought any other material things after that until I purchased an apartment of my own and needed to fill it with house-type stuff. And then when I did the KonMari clean out I felt that sense of freedom again. It’s a great sensation, and I no longer want to accumulate. Of course now that I’m an almost functioning adult I won’t be able to fit the entire contents of my house in a suitcase anymore, but I know I could fit all I really need in one (plus two cat carriers) and skip on out at any time without being sad about anything I’m forced to leave behind.

I’m more careful with my time. I don’t make plans I can’t fulfil anymore. I don’t say I can do something unless I’m sure I can do it. I keep a somewhat sloppy calendar so I am less flaky with catch ups and appointments. I don’t take on anything I don’t have time for and I actually MAKE TIME to do things that make me happy instead of working all weekend. I was recently offered a ridiculous amount of money to do a job that would take up a large portion of my life. I walked out of the interview because just being there was a filthy waste of time. I close bad books. I turn off bad TV. I walk out of bad movies, bad conversations, bad meals. I just walk out and I don’t care enough to look back. And it feels good.

I’m more careful with my friends. I’ve either unfollowed or completely ditched anyone on Facebook who doesn’t add to my life or ‘spark joy’ in any way. Anyone who is negative or annoying or brings me down in anyway has been given the boot. I’ve especially eliminated anyone who doesn’t make me laugh. I don’t spend time with people who make me feel tired or anxious or bored, and I no longer feel a sense of guilt if I say no to going out. Go hard or go home? Bitch please, home is the best. I don’t have to wear pants there and everybody likes me.

I go after what I want. But I already did that. I just have more time to do it now that I’m not bogged down with life’s bullshit.

I still talk to my stuff. But that’s just because my stuff is good at listening, and my stuff thinks I’m hilarious. Oh, and because I do much of my thinking in the shower, I now hold regular deep and meaningful conferences with my loofah, razor, and duck shower radio.

Final verdict? KonMari did clean up this pig’s act. And at the risk of sounding cliche: Maybe it wasn’t in the way I wanted, but in the way I needed.

I hereby give The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up 4 out of 5 cat-hair-covered stars.